The Clumsy Waitress and the hazards of up selling.

Anyone who has ever worked in a chain restaurant or bar will know the impetus put on the waiters to sell whatever it is we are told to sell that month. At least the perpetual and ceaseless up selling in chain restaurants, is not simply based on what goes out of date that day, as is the case in independent restaurants I have worked in.

Oh no, in chain restaurants, it stems from the hard work and deep thinking of grey, middle-aged men and women. They sit watching their screens, seeing money being made with little or no input from them, scratch their heads, and wonder, what can we pretend to be doing? How can they justify earning thrice that of the team members actually on the floor of their restaurants.

They tend to choose the most revolting concoctions and cheapest dishes to be pushed. Unsurprisingly, pushy, forced sales, along with a gross dish, tends to lead to trouble.

I get it. Don’t get me wrong. Just allow me to put my manager hat back on. Up selling allows new dishes on the menu to get a fair crack of the whip, familiar favourites always seem to win, even if they blow. It makes people aware of what new things an old chain restaurant offers.

More importantly, it gets the front of house team learning new habits, and instinctively asking customers if they want a premium product over a cheaper one. Which leads to a greater average spend per head, which equals greater profits, for the same price as it would otherwise be to open the restaurant doors and put the team on the floor.

Every now and then though, they give you a target you might actually be able to sell. Something you would personally pay real money for. Essentially, something you like.  Everyone knows that the best sales people either love their product, or are simply deluded to it. Or maybe just a good liar with a bad conscience.

Anyway, on one such month at a chain I worked in, we were told to push desserts, which sits very comfortably with me, as anyone who has ever seen me with a slice of tiramisu knows well.

So I’m smashing dessert sales, the whole team are, we are taking home bottles of wine as prizes, everyone is happy. But the thing with up selling, is it is always a little bit pushy, and with that, a little bit risky. So handing out dessert menus to one table, who had been a pleasure all night. I co-ordinated their staff party last Christmas, and they were coming in the next month for their next party. I had built up rapport with the table. And then the woman I had spoken to a dozen times on the phone in the last year tells me she does not want the menu.

I say, for the g-zillionth time – ‘Oh go on, you know you want to, our cheesecake is positively stupendous I say!’

Sadly, the response was not the usual cheeky grin and acceptance, but instead a quick, sharp and frankly, frightening reply ‘What?! Are you saying I am fat and would so obviously want a pudding then?!’

That numbing chill falls down my spine, as it becomes clear I have royally pissed her off. Clumsy with my words, and not just my body it may seem.

After muttering ‘Of course not’ whilst quickly wandering off, I am left wondering what I can get from this.

The first conclusion to draw from this exchange is that this, seemingly level-headed woman, was an absolute nut-job – or having a bad day in lady-land.

The other conclusion, is that I am a terrible waitress, with bad judgement, and an offensive persona.

I can also get from this exchange, that I have had hundreds, nay, thousands of conversations with me pushing desserts in a similar fashion, without offending anyone. The thing with the service industry is that you are dealing with people. The thing about people is that they are all different. And not just from one another, but they are different every time they come to the restaurant or bar, or every time you pop over to their table.

Having to up sell and push a particular item, to make yourself look like you are doing your job properly, can lead to selling your guests the wrong thing, and fundamentally, pissing them off.  But done right, it really does increase sales, and can lead to me taking a bottle of wine home at the end of the week. Win-win-win methinks.